Tuesday, December 1, 2009

A Very Difficult Post

Well, I debated whether or not I would write anything about this, but seems I need to do it and go forward.
Last year, on the 1st of December, we found out that we were expecting Baby #3.
It was a total shocker, but what made it even more shocking was that we were so far along, we were told way into our second trimester. Well, it was not meant to be.
I started to miscarry on December 18th and was in the hospital for much of the time until December 24th.
Just a few weeks earlier, we had found out that I was pregnant.
We got so excited and then, we were so totally crushed.
It is so devastating to lose a baby, but yet, it was not far along to have a funeral for a fully formed little one.
But just wish that people would be more sensitive...
People who make comments they think will help but don't are the ones who say things like:
"I know how you feel. my cat died and I miss him"...No offense to cat lovers but losing a cat and losing a baby are not the same thing.
or " Well, it probably would have been deformed or had some serious handicaps and so really, God did you a favor"...this is not what someone wants to hear who has lost a baby...it is not comforting to hear this in any way whatsoever.
or " You were that far along and you didn't even know you were pregnant until a few weeks prior to miscarrying? What is wrong with you?!? No wonder you lost the baby, if you were so out of tune with your body to know that you were pregnant"! That is not only unhelpful, it is mean. I was having what I thought were periods but turned out to be spotting. I had called my mom to ask about maybe if I could be going through early menopause, or maybe it was just due to the stress of having to move...
I had gained some weight, but not much...we were in the process of moving so it was not that surprising that my back hurt and that I seemed tired, etc.  
Also, doing things like calling to ask why Christmas presents were just sent in a plain box versus having each present individually wrapped and not even acknowledging that the sender had just lost  a baby...Totally insensitive...
I know all three of these from personal experience that some people decided to make these comments to me. 
It is going to take a while for me to let these feelings of anger go against the insensitive people who made these comments. It may take a lifetime to fully get over losing a baby at 20 weeks, but I have to get over it and have a new normal or else it will hinder my life and those around me.I have to work at living for the here and now...for my darling boys and wonderful husband who need me to be fully living for today, not dwelling on this most difficult time from our recent past...

Our family created a memory ornament for the tree.  The boys helped to pick it out and then, we wrote on it in memory of our little one. We were going to name our daughter Brynne and we think of her often throughout the year, but especially at Christmas.
We are still working at living in the present and being  happy for our two little blessings who are here with us.
Big Bro was really affected by the miscarriage last year. He was so angry and sad when I came home sans baby, as we unfortunately had shared our joy and delight about the news that we were expecting. He so wanted to have another baby in our home. He really wanted his "little baby sister" and so did Little Bro.
He has worked through his emotions, with the help of a play therapist, and at the therapist's suggestion last year, we got a puppy.
Let me tell you, a puppy does not fill the void for a grieving mommy or daddy, although it did seem to help our sons to some extent. It still has been very rough for our whole family...
We would have loved to have Little Sis as part of our family...we would have named her Brynne Elizabeth.
Now, we feel that she is with us in spirit, like our own little angel smiling down from Heaven.
So I am trying to keep very positive but today has been a rough day...really, a rough year...
Just trying to continually remind myself of how nice our life is and how wonderful the boys and my dear hubby are to me.
Well, just had to get it out there. I have not been able to really speak of how devastating it was but now, I have said it and am gearing up to embrace life in the present and the wondrous Christmas season that is unfolding.
I need to feel peace and joy in my soul and I need to be grateful for the gifts from God all around us. Just still don't know why it was not meant to be...that is the burning million dollar question that has to be put to rest in order to enjoy the holidays. I just have to think that it was not meant to be and not dwell on the why part...

Here' wishing that this is a wonderful happy holiday time here in our home and at your home, too.

For anyone else grieving, my thoughts and prayers are with you, too.


Marsha said...

I'm very sorry for your loss. May God give you a sense of peace during this difficult anniversary.
My friend has gone through this twice. If you would like to read her blog, visit 33foramoment.blogspot.com.
and look under her labels for Miscarriage. She has written 7 posts, and my prayer is that something there will help you to know you are not alone.

Heidi said...


You can talk about your baby without discounting your living children.

It's ok.

I have a friend who's mom had a stillborn baby when she was 5 and she assures me that yes she knew her mom was depressed and yes she herself was sad and had some issues at the time, but as a grown up she feels no resentment and she never felt unloved or anything of the sort.

I've asked her about 10 tens. She keeps telling me I'm normal.

So are you.

I'm so glad to see you chose to write about this.


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